Chapter 29
(Kara's POV)

I knock on the hatch, not quite knowing what to expect and only a couple of seconds later I get a gruff 'enter!' in response so I guess this is it, it's time for me to face the music.

Sure, lunch with Helo wasn't too bad but then again Agathon doesn't happen to have the name 'Adama' attached to him and I knew all along that those were the ones I was going to have to watch out for.

I mean, breakfast with Lee went a lot better than I had been expecting it to --that is true-- but then again considering that I was convinced that the whole thing was going to be an unmitigated disaster... well, the fact that he was merely walking on eggshells all of a sudden didn't really seem quite so bad. Oh, there were the unavoidable 'poor, broken Kara' looks that were really driving me crazy but --as I said-- I knew going in that those were likely to be unavoidable.

Of course, with the old man I think my main concern has to be that chances are that he is going to be really, really, really pissed. I mean, Lee may be feeling a little hurt because I never told him my pathetic sob story but the old man is my CO and I deliberately concealed some pretty important information regarding enemy activity from him in a time of war and even a screw-up like me knows that that is seriously frowned upon.

That is where we are likely to have a problem, especially because I know there's no excuse... not after he was shot and almost killed by a damned sleeper agent, one we all trusted. Oh, I could try to argue that it's only been a couple of days since I came back and that if I had seen any sign of Simon or that blonde bitch I would have said something and that if 'Boomer' hadn't managed to blow her cover by that time I would have done it for her without a second thought but that is not the point. The point is that by keeping that information to myself I jeopardized the fleet and in that regard saying that 'I just didn't want to be reminded of what happened back on Caprica' is not going to cut it.

Well, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm here now and I might as well get this over with while I'm at it... though getting it over with would probably be a whole lot easier if I actually knew what the frak to expect. I think I know but then again I thought I knew with Lee but he just refused to play by the book and that pretty much drove me nuts... and the moment I walk into the old man's quarters I realize that things aren't likely to go much better this time around.

He has this weird look in his eyes and I don't know what the frak am I supposed to make out of any of this. If he would just come out and yell at me, tell me that I really screwed up I would know what to do but apparently that is not the way this is going to go.

After a few seconds that feel like hours I just can't take the silence any longer.

"I'm sorry," I say, even though I am all too aware that just saying 'sorry' is not going to cut it.

"Sorry?"

"I know I should have come clean sooner but I just..." I trail off.

"I won't pretend I'm not mad at you for concealing this information, Kara, but I am willing to acknowledge that there were some mitigating circumstances."

"Mitigating circumstances?" I ask, somewhat taken aback by that comment.

"Don't get me wrong. If the Galactica had been here when you came back I would be nowhere near as willing to look the other way but the bottom line is that things were crazy all around and the fleet was divided... and I will even acknowledge that bringing up your injuries while we were on Kobol could easily have turned into a distraction, one we could ill afford while we were down there. In other words, up until we came back onboard I would say that your conduct, while not exactly exemplary, does not represent the real problem because at the time our primary concern was accomplishing our immediate mission. Having said that, these past few days cannot be so easily explained."

"I know, sir, and I'm sorry. It's just that I..." I try again but I still can't seem to get past that particular point.

"That you what?"

"It's just that having kept quiet at first I didn't know how to bring it up without getting in trouble for not having said something sooner, especially with Lee," I explain, feeling more than a little silly.

"And you didn't particularly want to talk about that farm either, not if you could possibly avoid it," says the old man, obviously reading between the lines.

I just shake my head at that.

"Give me your eyes, Kara," he orders and I do so reluctantly.

"I understand that. That doesn't mean that I'm not disappointed by the fact that you didn't think you could trust me but I do understand."

"It was bad," I find myself whispering, almost against my will.

"I imagine it was. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know what to say. I mean, I killed those women... I didn't want to but I still did it. I didn't have a choice, not unless you count leaving them there but..."

"But what?" he prods.

"But I can't forget," I admit. "No matter how hard I try I just can't box it away and move on. I keep seeing them and there's not a frakking thing I can do about it. I've run through that scene so many times in my mind, trying to figure out what I could have done differently but I still don't know what the hell it was that I was supposed to have done."

"Have you considered that maybe that is because there really wasn't anything you could have done to save them? You were hurt, you were trying to get away, to stay alive and you gave them the only kind of relief you could give them under the circumstances. You did the best you could, Kara, you did good."

"I frakking killed them!" I all but scream, trying desperately to get him to understand.

"Yes, there's no denying that but if you had been in their place, with no hope whatsoever, would you have fought your own death or would you have welcomed it, embraced it as the only kind of relief you could possibly have hoped for?"

"I would have welcomed it but I can't..."

"We all have some battles we can't let go of. In the end that's what keeps us human and there's nothing wrong with it as long as you don't let your doubts paralyze you."

"I'm used to flying," I say, not quite knowing how to explain.

"I know, and when you are out there your enemy doesn't have a face, you don't see it dying."

"When I'm out there things are simple. When I'm out there I am going up against frakking toasters but in that farm... those weren't enemies, they weren't toasters. They were women --human women whose only crime was to have been captured-- and then when I took out those machines..."

"What happened?"

"The room caught fire... and some of them were still alive... even as I made my way out I could still hear them screaming as the fire got to them and they burned to death. I remember it as if that damned stench of burning flesh were chasing me... I can still smell it now."

"There was nothing more you could have done for them. I can't even tell you to learn from the experience and move on because the bottom line is that you did what had to be done."

"And that's the problem, I did my best, but it still wasn't enough, it was nowhere near enough!" I all but yell at him.