Chapter 25
(Kara's POV)

I am looking at the curtain almost willing it to remain closed but of course I know that's not likely to happen. Cottle was here a while ago to check on me and to take out my IV. That is the good news. The bad news is that he also told me to get dressed because Lee would be here any minute to take me to the mess and the truth is that I'm not looking forward to it, far from it. I never thought the day would come when I would find myself wishing for an excuse to remain in sickbay but the truth is that right now I'd rather go one on one against a frakking centurion than face him.

Sure, I've known him for years and he is my... well to be honest right now I don't know what the frak he is --whether he is my best friend, my dead fiance's older brother, my superior officer or my wingman-- but the bottom line is that he is the guy I have come to rely on and I don't relish the idea of seeing the contempt in his eyes but at the same time I know there's no getting out of it. That is the part I'm dreading right now, especially because I know that this time around there will be no escaping my past and my weaknesses. They have caught up with me and they've got me, there's no way around that. I mean, the Twelve Colonies are gone, we have fifty thousand survivors and a single battlestar so where the frak am I supposed to go? That means that whether I want to or not I am going to have to face this... and it's not going to be pretty, especially because I suspect that Lee is going to want to talk this whole thing over to death and I don't think I'll be able to put him off, not this time around.

In fact I seriously doubt that even picking a fight with him would be enough to get him to back down. When he was here yesterday he seemed pretty damned determined to get himself some answers and I know that when he is that determined he can out stubborn me.

In other words, whether I want to or not I am going to have to deal with this... and to make matters worse he is not the only one who knows. Helo and the old man also know about this and that means that chances are that I'm going to lose the three people I'm closest to, hell, that I'm going to lose the only three people left in the universe that I am actually close to. That is a terrifying prospect. Sure, I trust them to keep this to themselves but there's no getting away from the fact that they know and that means that things between us will probably never be the same.

I am still thinking about that, still trying to figure out what the frak am I supposed to do about any of this when I see the curtain being pulled open and I know it's time for me to face the music.

"Hi there," says Lee, looking unbelievably uncomfortable.

"Hi," I reply, not doing much better myself.

"How are you?"

"Fine. I mean, I'm still a little sore but, as Cottle keeps reminding me, that's pretty much to be expected when you've been shot," I say, trying for flippancy and failing miserably.

"And are we okay?" he asks, not quite meeting my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"It's just that this is..." he trails off.

"Incredibly awkward?" I finish for him.

"Something like that," he admits. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"About the farm? When I first came back we had other things to worry about and then..."

"Don't play dumb, Kara," he growls, obviously not willing to be distracted.

"I don't know... I just didn't think it was that big a deal."

"Now you are lying to me."

"What?"

"I've known you for years and if you really hadn't thought it was that big a deal you probably would have brought it up one way or another. The truth is that you didn't mention it because you didn't want me to know about it and that tells me that you knew it was a big deal. You would have had no reason to conceal it otherwise," he points out.

"Conceal it?" I ask, not quite believing my ears. "Sure, I never told you about it but that doesn't mean I was..."

"Don't even try it, Kara. I'm not going to get into an argument over semantics with you, not this time around," he warns me and I realize that this is going to be even worse than I had been expecting it to be. I mean, we haven't even made it out of sickbay yet, though in a way I suspect that that has been deliberate, that while he wants some answers and he wants them right frakking now he is going to be careful not to question me in public and in spite of everything I am deeply grateful for that. After all, the last thing I need is for the rumor mill to get a hold of this and trying to air this out in the mess would almost certainly result in us being overheard by someone. Of course, given half a chance I would much rather not deal with this at all, but somehow I don't think that's going to be an option.

"It's no big deal, Lee. It was a long time ago and I just... I don't like talking about it, that's all," I try to explain, wishing that he would just let this go but knowing that there's no way that's going to happen. The problem is that there's no way I can answer his questions either, not really. I mean what the frak am I supposed to say here? 'I didn't want you to realize just how frakking pathetic I really am'? That would go over beautifully.

"You were trying to forget?" he asks, obviously still not getting it.

"No! That's not it. I just didn't see how it could possibly be anyone's business but my own," I say, rather lamely, even though I know he is not going to understand.

"Is that why you never told Zak either?" he asks softly and I can't help but wonder why he is so obsessed with that.

"It helped that he never really asked," I reply, knowing that whether I like it or not, the only thing that's left for me to do here is to tell the truth and to try to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"Are you saying that you were actually waiting for him to come out and ask you about it specifically?"

"Okay, I admit that when you phrase it like that it does sound kind of dumb but... it just never seemed like the right time for me to say anything. Let's just say that it never came up and, to tell you the truth, I didn't really see the point in bringing it up either. I mean, sure, my mom was not the nicest person to be around --not even under the best of circumstances-- but she is dead now and that was years ago."

"But she wasn't dead when you were with Zak," he reminds me.

"No, but that's not really the point. Even back then I still hadn't even heard from her in years and whether or not she was still breathing in the end it made no difference. As far as I was concerned my past belonged in the past and talking about it was not going to change a damned thing so why bother?"

"Well, I have to say that I don't think not talking about it is going to be much of an option this time around," he warns me and I just glare at him, especially because I know he is right about that, that whether I want to or not I'm going to find myself facing Lee, Helo and the Old Man and that that's not going to be fun... to say nothing of the fact that, knowing the three of them, I can pretty much count on a coordinated attack here.

"What do you want to know, Lee?" I finally ask, letting out a resigned sigh and knowing that the best thing I can do here is to at least try to get this over with. After all, if I'm going to lose him over this anyway, there's no real point in dragging this out.