Chapter 52
(Kara's POV)

'I guess I should have seen this coming,' that is the first thought that runs through my mind as soon as I manage to do anything but stare stupidly at the papers I hold in my hand. I mean, I sure as hell don't blame Sam and I know that this is no less than what I deserve but still...

"Divorce?" I manage to choke out.

"Yes."

"Why?" I ask, even though it's not all that hard to figure it out. It is because Sam is disgusted by me. It's because I was a frakking skinjob's whore for four frakking months and he knows it. Yes, I can't even pretend that I don't understand why he wants out of this marriage but still...

"Because..." he begins before trailing off.

"Because of what I did?" I ask, biting by lip.

"'What you did'?" he repeats.

"Don't play the fool, Sam!"

"I'm not 'playing the fool', damn it, I just don't have a frakking clue as to what the hell you mean by that!"

"Yeah, right!" I snort.

"Damn it, Kara!"

"So you expect me to believe that you are not dumping me because I was Leoben's whore?" I growl, knowing that he is not going to say it and not really wanting to keep tap dancing around the issue.

"Are you frakking crazy?"

"What do you think?"

"Do you honestly believe that I...?"

"Yes!" I all but yell at him.

"Then you really are crazy! Damn it, Kara, you were that frakking skinjob's prisoner for four frakking months, you had no control over the situation at all and no-one here thinks of you as 'Leoben's whore'!"

"Then why don't you want me?"

"Oh, I want you but..." he lies.

"I get it," I say, looking away as I try to keep my emotions under control.

"I don't think you do," he contradicts me... as if it were possible to misunderstand what it means to be presented with frakking divorce papers.

"I think it's pretty clear and you are right, I..." I begin but he interrupts me.

"Damn it, Kara, that's not it!" he exclaims without even letting me finish that thought.

"It's not?"

"No, damn it. Believe me, I want you. I want you more than anything but..."

"Then why?" I ask, just wanting this whole frakking thing to make some sort of sense.

"Because I love you but you can barely stand to be in the same frakking room with me, that's why!" he says before explaining. "It's not that I don't want you. I want you more than anything but if I were to use our vows to force you to stay with me when you can't even stand my touch I would be no better than Leoben. This is not about cutting you loose, and it sure as hell is not about me not wanting you, it is about setting you free!"

"I just need a little more time, that's all," I plead.

"Time?"

"Yes. I know you are mad at me and I understand but I tried, I really did..."

"And that is precisely the problem, that you didn't trust me enough to tell me to go frak myself, that you felt you had to force yourself to 'try'," he interrupts me. "If you didn't want me to touch you, if you wanted me to back off why the hell didn't you just say so?"

"I couldn't," I admit.

"You couldn't?"

"No, I... I no longer had the right," I try to explain, even though I know Sam is not going to understand.

"'You no longer had the right'? What the frak is that supposed to mean?"

"You are my husband and I..."

"And you didn't think you could say 'no' to me, is that it?"

"Yes... no... I don't know... I..." I trail off, feeing incredibly confused.

"You what?"

"I couldn't say no, I didn't have the right... not after I let Leoben..."

"Gods, Kara, are you even listening to yourself? Do you have any idea of just how frakking crazy that sounds?"

"No, why don't you tell me?" I challenge.

"Damn it, Kara, you didn't 'let' Leoben do anything! What part of 'there was nothing else you could have done' don't you understand?"

"It's not so frakking simple!"

"And that's the first thing you have said here that actually makes some sense. No, it's not simple but..."

"But you still want out?" I ask, wanting to put an end to this conversation and knowing that in the end that is what this whole thing boils down to.

"No, I already told you, I don't want out."

"Then why...?" I begin but he interrupts me.

"Because it's what you need, that's why!"

"'What I need' is a little more time, that's all!" I insist, even though I already know he is not going to change his mind.

"And that is precisely the point. You can have as much time as you want, believe me, I have nowhere else I'd rather be and I sure as hell am not going anywhere... in fact the only thing I want is for you to give me a chance to win you back but I want it to be your choice and as long as we remain married, as long as you feel that being with me is your duty and that you can't say 'no' to me, it is not going to be," he explains and even though a part of me can see what it is that Sam is trying to do, the rest of me can't focus on anything but the word 'divorce' that seems to be mocking me from those papers.

Sure, on a rational level I can tell that our marriage is done for --hell, if I were to be honest with myself I would have to admit that our marriage was a frakking mistake from the get go-- and that in that regard getting a divorce is the most logical thing to do but at the same time it still goes against everything I believe in and I am having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around the idea.