Chapter 51
(Sam's POV)

I am fidgeting nervously with the envelope I hold in my hands as I approach Kara's room. Sure, deep down I know that this is the right thing for me to do but knowing that is not really much comfort, not under the circumstances. This is a pretty big step, one that is going to change our lives forever and --to make matters worse-- I know how strongly Kara feels about this particular issue, I know what her beliefs are and I know she is not going to take it well.

"Hi, how are you?" I ask, being careful to stay at least five feet away from her as I do whenever I visit her. Granted, Kara doesn't seem to be as nervous around me as she was a couple of days ago but some awkwardness remains and I refuse to take any unnecessary chances.

"Okay, I guess," she replies, shrugging her shoulders though I can see that she is upset about something.

"You sure?" I prod, wishing that she would trust me but still not daring to push.

"Yeah," she whispers and --even though I know she is being less than candid-- I decide to let it drop.

"So what are you reading?" I ask, still not ready to deal with 'the envelope' and noticing a rather thick tome on her bed.

"A manual on military theory."

"Interesting?"

"If your idea of interesting is something along the lines of watching the paint dry then it is absolutely fascinating, otherwise it is about as interesting as watching the paint dry... to say nothing of the fact that the frakking thing is at best completely useless and at worst it can be downright deadly. As far as I can tell it is pretty much a guide of what not to do," she mutters, glaring at it and wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"I take it that this was not your idea then?" I ask, even though I already know it wasn't... it's just not in her nature.

"Hell no, this is just the Old Man's latest attempt at keeping me busy."

"It can't be that bad."

"It's not that bad, it's worse... a lot worse. The cylons have spent decades studying our every move and I think it is safe to say that they know everything there is to know about our military theory. Considering that countless trees were slaughtered to print tens of thousands of copies of that blasted thing before the colonies were destroyed, you can bet that the damned toasters are intimately familiar with it. That means that relying on it in any way at all would pretty much guarantee that we would get our asses kicked the next time we went up against them. If we want to stay one step ahead of the cylons then the first thing we have to do is to throw the book away... literally."

"And have you told the Admiral that?"

"I tried to but he basically told me to get over it. He said that if you want to break the law you must first know the law."

"He may have a point there."

"Oh, I know he does and I'm not denying that but the frakking thing is still boring as hell and I don't have to like it," she says crossing her arms and glaring at me in an all too familiar gesture... one that has me fighting to keep a smile off my face. Yes, I am not fooling myself and I know Kara still has a very long way to go before she is anywhere near back to normal but for the first time in what feels like ages I am seeing a glimpse of the woman I fell in love with and that is incredibly reassuring. Ever since New Caprica she has been nothing but a shell of her former self and I am glad to see that she is doing better... unfortunately that glimpse also makes doing what I came here to do that much harder.

That is a sobering thought, one I am still thinking abut when Kara's voice brings me back to the present.

"What is it?" she asks, obviously sensing that something has changed and giving me the opening I had --or rather hadn't-- been looking for.

"We need to talk," I say after hesitating for a moment.

"About?"

"Us," I admit, knowing that I have to get this over with.

"Us?" she repeats with some suspicion.

"Yeah."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that..." I begin before trailing off, not knowing how to explain... at least not without making a mess out of things.

"You are scaring me, Sam."

"I'm sorry, it's just that I did something and..."

"What did you do?"

"Frak, this is hard!"

"Would you just frakking tell me?" she growls and I bite back a curse. To say that this is not going as I had intended it to would be a gross understatement but at the same time there is no turning back and I know it. I know I have to tell her but words are not my thing and I don't have a clue as to how to soften the blow. The last thing I want to do is to hurt Kara but at the same time I don't know what I could possibly say so that she'd understand so I take the coward's way out and just hand her the envelope and then, as I watch her open it, I try to steel myself for what I know is to come.

True, I don't doubt that I am doing what has to be done, what I know Kara will never be able to bring herself to do, but at the same time I know that she is unlikely to see it that way and in the short term... well, let's just say that in the short term this is not going to be easy and leave it at that.