Chapter 48
(Sam's POV)

'Think, Sam,' that's what I keep trying to tell myself, not that thinking about it is likely to do me much good.

I had been desperate for a chance to make things right with Kara but somehow I hadn't been expecting it to be quite this hard though, knowing my wife like I do, maybe I should have. She may be able to fly circles around pretty much anyone and she can certainly punch the daylights out of anyone that even looks at her funny but at the same time she doesn't do feelings and trying to get her to open up about anything can be a lot like pulling teeth. Actually, come to think of it, pulling teeth is easier, not to mention far less painful.

The problem is that as much as she may hate the idea of having to talk this through, right now she is in no shape to do anything but talk.

Oh, I can tell that she wishes she were anywhere but here --a frakking blind man could probably see that from miles away-- and that means that reaching her is going to take some doing but at the same time I know there is a lot more to this than I am being told. I mean, from a rational perspective I can understand where she is coming from but no matter how I look at it, there is no way around the fact that this is a frakking mess and that trying to peel the layers back from this thing is bound to be a bitch.

It is not that I doubt the truth of what she said Leoben did to her --as much as I may want to deny it, I know it was the truth-- but at the same time I know Kara is a master of misdirection and that means that what I have been told so far is unlikely to be the whole truth. In fact I suspect that the whole thing was intended to serve mostly as a diversion, that it was a rather desperate ploy to shock me into dropping the issue... and in that regard she has succeeded.

I may be able to recognize what she is up to but that does nothing to change the fact that I don't want to hurt her and I certainly don't want to find myself banned from her side again and that in turn means that, even though I am tempted to at least try to shake some answers out of her, I have to be careful here. Simply put, I can't push without running the risk of upsetting her and, even if I could get her to forgive me for that, one thing I know for certain is that Cottle does not take kindly to people upsetting his patients.

In other words, the direct approach is not an option here and I am going to have no choice but to try to figure out what is going on based on what she isn't saying. Sure, I messed up and I messed up badly the last time around because I was unwilling to see what was happening right in front of me but that is one mistake I don't intend to repeat... and the good news --if it can be called that-- is that at least now I know what I'm up against. Of course, the bad news is that the damage has already been done and I'm not sure there's anything I can do to fix that.

I love my wife and seeing the fear in her eyes every time she looks at me is killing me but there is nothing I can do to change that. I want to be able to hold her in my arms, I want to be able to comfort her, I want to be able to tell her that everything is going to be okay, I want to be able to tell her that the nightmare is over and that she is safe but I can't even do that. There is a distance between us and no matter what I do I just can't breach it.

That means that regaining her trust has to be my top priority. The problem is that I already know that is not going to happen... not without some sort of miracle. In fact, as far as I can tell, there is only one way for me to attempt to do that and even that is a long shot.

I may not know what I have to say right now, I may not even know if there is something --anything-- I could say that could possibly make this better but at least now I have a clue as to what it is that I am supposed to do when I walk out of here. What I have to do is take a chance. I have to risk everything knowing that the odds are stacked heavily against me because, in spite of everything, that is still the lesser evil.

Sure, I hate losing. I am still a pyramid player at heart for frak's sake and giving up goes against my every instinct, but if there is one thing I learned when I was trying to stay one step ahead of the cylons back on Caprica it was precisely the value of a strategic retreat. If nothing else going against a stronger foe taught me that sometimes you have to pick your battles, that when you are at a disadvantage your survival may well depend on your ability to recognize when not to fight. Yes, I could try to make a stand here and no-one would ever blame me for doing so but the bottom line is that this is not a battle, that Kara is not the enemy and yet if I were to keep on fighting, if I were to keep trying to 'win' this thing then chances are that she would lose.