Chapter 47
(Kara's POV)

Okay, what the frak happened to Cottle's promise that I wouldn't have to deal with Sam until I was ready? I mean it looks to me like he is frakking here and I sure as hell don't feel frakking ready. Sure, the doc says he is not leaving us alone but right now that is not much comfort and I don't even know if his presence is going to make this better or if it is actually going to make matters worse.

"Sam," I say, feeling incredibly awkward and trying to keep the fear at bay. I mean, this is my husband, damn it, and the rational part of my brain knows he is not going to hurt me but then again no one has ever accused me of being rational before and the truth is that right now the mere thought of being alone with him scares the crap out of me.

"Kara," he replies.

"Are you...?" he asks before trailing off.

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Getting there."

"Good," he says, still not approaching my bed.

"So...?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"

"About what happened before, about what I did... I didn't mean to..."

"I know, it wasn't your fault" I say, trying to reassure him... to say nothing of wanting to get this damn thing over with once and for all, unfortunately it is not that simple.

"But that still doesn't change anything, does it?" he asks, looking at me.

"It's not that. I mean, I..."

"You what?"

"It's not you, it's..." I try to explain, the problem is that I still don't have a frakking clue of what is it that I want to say. No, I know exactly what I want to say, the problem is that I don't have a frakking clue of how to say it.

"You are afraid of me."

"No, I..."

"Don't lie to me, Kara, please."

"I'm not," I reply, even though deep down I know that is a lie. I may not want it to be a lie, but it is.

"Yes, you are," he insists.

"As I said, it's not you."

"I know, but I still hurt you."

"You didn't know," I remind him, trying to keep things from spiraling completely out of control here.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?"

"Believe me, trust had nothing to do with it."

"Then why?"

"Because I..."

"What?"

"I just wanted to forget."

"Well, somehow I get the feeling that that didn't work."

"No, I guess not," I admit.

"Would you talk to me now?" he asks and I glance at the doc. Sure, he is staying out of it but he is still here and even though I really don't want to be left alone with Sam, I also know I owe him an explanation and we don't need an audience for that.

"Doc?"

"Yes?"

"Could you... could we have a moment please?"

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Yeah," I whisper, feeling far from certain.

"I'll be outside if you need me," he says, throwing a warning glare at Sam.

"Thanks," I reply as I try to keep the fear out of my voice. Yes, I was the one who asked Cottle to leave, yes, this has to be done --preferably without witnesses-- but that doesn't mean that I am looking forward to it.

"Gods, Kara, what did that bastard do to you?"

"You already know."

"I know some of it, not everything," he reminds me.

"So what, you are here for the gory details?"

"I just want to know what the frak happened to you, damn it!"

"So you want me to tell you about how, a couple of days after Simon handed me over to him --as I was showering, trying to wash him off-- he came into the shower, took the soap from my hand and turned my attempt to cleanse myself into a twisted sort of foreplay before frakking me under the spray? Or --I know-- maybe you want me to explain why I didn't go on and on about how his strength wasn't human and how he got a kick out of my pathetic attempts to fight him off... or about how, when he wanted it to hurt, it did? Or maybe you want to hear about the day he..."

"Please, Kara, I..."

"I mean, what's the frakking point? Talking about it is not going to change anything and you know it! It happened, I can't change it, end of story."

"Only it wasn't the end of it, was it? That's why you are here," he challenges, glaring at me, and I just look away at that.

"I'm your husband, damn it, why didn't you trust me?" he insists.

"Don't you get it? It was never about trust! Trust had nothing to do with it!"

"'You've got to be frakking kidding me! Do you really expect me to believe that trust had nothing to do with it?" he asks, looking at me as if I had suddenly grown a second head.

"No!"

"Fine, if it wasn't about trust, if that wasn't even an issue, why couldn't you trust me?"

"Because I just wanted to forget! It was not about me not trusting you, it was about me wanting to put the whole damned thing behind me, damn it! It was about me wanting to move on and it was about me not wanting to see your pity every time you looked at me. It was all about me, not about you! I didn't want you to treat me like I was frakking broken, that's why I didn't tell you, that's why I didn't tell anyone. I just wanted to get back to my life and there was no frakking way I was ever going to be able to do that with you..." I trail off, realizing that I've said too much but knowing that there's no taking it back.

"With me what?"

"With you looking at me like you are doing now!"