Chapter 43
(Kara's POV)

I am feeling drained, my gut is bugging me more than a bit --though it is still nowhere near bad enough to warrant asking Cottle for some pain meds-- and I am thinking that this day couldn't possibly get any worse when I see Lee walk back into my 'room'... so much for that theory. I admit that my first instinct upon seeing him is to bang my head against the wall but a look into his eyes is all it takes for me to realize that we have a problem.

"What's wrong?"

"What makes you think there's something wrong?"

"Don't give me that crap, Lee," I growl.

"It's nothing."

"Then why are you here?" I challenge.

"It's nothing," he insists... not that I'm buying it.

"You had a fight with Dee," I guess.

"Something like that," he reluctantly admits.

"Because of me?" I ask, even though I already know what the answer to that particular question is likely to be.

"No, because of me."

"Yeah, right," I snort, hating the fact that he thinks I can't handle it.

"It's the truth," he insists before explaining. "She asked me something... she asked me if I would be here with her if your positions were reversed, if I were married to you and she were the ones stuck in that bed and I couldn't lie to her."

"Lee?"

"She may be my wife but the truth is that that is just a title, it doesn't mean a frakking thing, or at least not what it should... I didn't want to see it but..."

"But Lee Adama still loves Kara Thrace?" I whisper, thinking back to that night on New Caprica. The problem is that knowing where he is coming from doesn't really do me much good when it comes to figuring out what the frak am I supposed to say about any of this or that I know where the frak this whole thing is going.

"Yes," he admits with a hint of a smile. "I know this is the last thing you need to hear and I know I don't have a right to expect anything from you --especially not now-- I get that, but I was just using Dee. I married her out of spite and that was a mistake, a mistake I don't want to perpetuate. She deserves better than that."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I am the one who married her for all the wrong reasons."

"After I married Sam," I remind him.

"Yes, but that doesn't matter... or at least it shouldn't have."

"'Maybe it shouldn't have but we both know it did."

"It was still my choice," he insists.

"And I'm still sorry."

"Would you at least tell me why?" he asks.

"I don't know if I can," I admit.

"It's okay," he says, trying to reassure me which --in a really twisted kind of way-- only serves to make me feel even worse.

"No it's not... I..." I trail off.

"You what?"

"I screwed up."

"I think it's safe to say that we both did but that still doesn't answer my question."

"That night on New Caprica... I was happy," I finally admit.

"Okay, now I really don't understand. If you were happy why the frak did you...?" he trails off.

"Why did I leave?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Because you wanted more and I couldn't give it to you."

"More?"

"Yes. You wanted me to shout it out and I... I don't know. It was like what we had was not enough for you and..."

"And what?"

"And I didn't think I could be what you wanted, I didn't think I would ever be good enough," I explain, feeling incredibly awkward. Words have never been my thing but unfortunately --stuck in this bed as I am-- I really don't have much of a choice, especially not considering that Lee is obviously not going to let this go any time soon... to say nothing of the fact that he deserves an answer. I hurt him, I know that much, and I owe him one hell of a lot more than an explanation. Of course, the fact that I know I owe him the truth doesn't make telling him that truth any easier.

"So you just took off?"

"Yes."

"And you went and married Sam."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, as weird as it sounds, Sam was safe. He loved me and I cared for him but deep down I knew that, no matter how bad things got between us, he couldn't really hurt me... not like you could."

"You got scared," he says, with a sudden look of understanding that really creeps me out.

"I guess," I admit, fighting the urge to deny it. Sure, I know I hurt him and I know he has a right to know this but that doesn't mean I have to like it and it certainly doesn't mean that this whole honesty thing is not a bitch.

"Do you have any idea of just how frakking crazy that sounds?!" he all but yells at me.

"Why don't you tell me?" I shoot back, glaring at him.

"Gods, Kara, I don't want to fight but..."

"But what?" I growl, wanting that anger back because --as weird as it may seem-- his anger is familiar, it is something I know how to deal with. 'Fight or frak', that's what we do, it's what we've always done... unfortunately right now neither one of those is a real option and we both know it. That leaves talking and, as I said before, that is definitely not my strong suit.

"But I still don't understand," he admits, looking more than a little confused.

"Never mind."

"Don't do that, Kara, don't shut me out, please," he pleads.

"I'm not..." I begin but he interrupts me.

"Yes, you are. What were you so afraid of?"

"I can't..."

"Yes, you can," he insists and the truth is that I don't know what the frak am I supposed to say. I am feeling incredibly raw here. I'm not ready for this --especially not after today, not after Cottle and the Old Man and the President all had a go at me-- but at the same time I can see that Lee is not going to let this go, that he is not going to back down, and that means that --as much as I may not want to do this-- I really don't have much of a choice.