Chapter 40
(Laura's POV)

The first thing I do once I realize what it is that I'm dealing with here is to ask Lee to give us some privacy. I can see that he is not happy about that and neither is Kara but being the president does have its advantages and they both know better than to argue.

Oh, I know Lee is worried but, while I certainly don't mean to hurt Kara, I don't intend to coddle her either and because of that I am afraid that having him here would only serve to make matters worse. I may have little to no experience when it comes to military strategy but one thing I do know is that --all other things being equal-- it is preferable to have a single, well-defined front when you march into battle than to try to fight on two of them at once.

Sure, I know things are not equal because Lee's absence is not going to do much to reassure Kara but her unease is still preferable to having to worry about the possibility of saying something that will hurt her in an attempt to reassure him. Of course, now that Lee is not here to act as a buffer, I have to deal with Kara and that can be a daunting challenge in and of itself.

I am still trying to figure out what to say, well aware that the situation is growing more awkward by the second. It may not be the kindest of images but right now the look in her eyes reminds me of a wild, cornered animal and that is not exactly comforting.

"How are you?" I ask, looking for something remotely resembling a safe opening.

"Bored," she replies, effectively sidestepping my question and not meeting my eyes.

"That's not what I meant," I point out.

"I'm okay... well, maybe not okay but getting there," she admits after hesitating for a moment.

"What happened?" I push, deciding to go for a more direct approach. I know this is a dangerous game and I know I have to be careful here but I also know I can't afford to back down.

"I... nothing..."

"A pretty serious nothing. You gave Bill quite a scare," I remind her.

"I didn't think..." she trails off.

"'Didn't think' is right but I seriously doubt that's what you are trying to say," I point out.

"I didn't think he'd care... I thought he wanted me gone... he said..."

"What did he say, Kara?" I ask, knowing that even though Bill didn't mean those words, not deep down, he did say them and the guilt is eating him alive.

"He called me a cancer, told me to get off his ship... he said some other things too and I just... I just wanted everything to stop. It seemed like a good idea at the time," she finishes with a shrug, trying for a casual attitude and failing miserably.

"Well, it wasn't."

"I know but... I didn't think I had a choice," she insists.

"And now?"

"I don't know. I know I screwed up, I know I scared them, I know they care but... I'm still tired and sometimes I just want..."

"I never took you for a quitter."

"I'm a screw-up, I screw-up, it's what I do... and people get hurt."

"Do you really believe that?" I ask but she just shrugs again at that.

"You are not a screw-up, Kara. For the gods sake, without you we would all be dead."

"Right," she snorts.

"You don't believe me?"

"I may have helped but I was just doing my job, just like everyone else."

"True, but that doesn't change a frakking thing," I growl, trying hard not to lose my temper here.

"'Frakking', Madam President?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, frakking," I repeat, not willing to take the bait. "Who came up with a plan to take out that tylium refinery when we were all but dead in space?"

"But that was Lee's flying, without him we wouldn't have..." she tries to argue, obviously not ready to accept the credit for that.

"It may have been his flying but it was still your plan... and, even though that is the most dramatic example I can think of, it was far from the only instance in which you were instrumental in keeping us alive," I interrupt her.

"Maybe, but..."

"Just say 'yes', Kara," I order, rolling my eyes.

"'Yes, Kara'," she repeats dutifully and I have to fight the urge to shake my head at that.

"You are not a screw-up," I tell her, even though I know it is futile, even though I already know she is not going to believe me.

"I am what I am," she says.

"And what's that?"

"Nothing."

"You are not nothing. What do you think you are?"

"Never mind."

"Who told you you are a screw-up?" I push, determined to get to the bottom of this one once and for all... whether she wants me to or not.

"It doesn't matter."

"If it doesn't matter then you should have no problem answering that question," I insist, even though I already know what the answer is likely to be.

"My mom, happy?" she growls, glaring at me.

"Your mother said that?"

"Sort of. For the most part she just called me a monster, a useless waste of DNA. She said that I destroy everything I touch, that she wished I'd never been born and that I'll never be anything but a whore," she says with a shrug before looking away and whispering, almost to herself, "not that she was wrong about that."

"Actually I think it's safe to say that she was very wrong about that. You are a viper pilot... in fact, going by what I've been told, you are by far the best pilot we have and a damn good flight instructor," I remind her, doing my best to keep my anger under control. Yes, I knew all along that the answer was bound to be something along those lines --after all, I saw too many cases of child abuse in my years as a teacher not to be able to recognize the signs when I see them-- but this is one instance in which being right is not much comfort, especially because, in light of what I suspect she went through down on New Caprica, this is bound to make what is already a bad situation even worse.

We are not just dealing with damage here. We are dealing with damage upon damage and, on top of that, I'm not even sure if Bill, Lee and Cottle are aware of it... not to mention that we are all trapped by our secrets here.

On the one hand Bill, Lee and Cottle didn't see it fit to tell me what the cylons did to her so I am not in a position to bring this up, on the other I can't tell them what Kara just told me without betraying her trust and on a third that does nothing to change the fact that they really need to know.