Chapter 34
(Lee's POV)

To say that the situation is awkward would be an understatement. In fact calling that an understatement would be an understatement in itself but at the same time I know there's not much I can do to change that.

The thing is that I'm still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things I've heard here today and, while I desperately want to reassure Kara somehow, I am almost painfully aware of the fact that so far the only thing I have managed to accomplish here has been to dig myself into a deeper hole, that no matter what I say, Kara seems to be determined to twist my words beyond recognition, but I am also having a hard time trying to force myself to remain silent.

I'm still trying to figure out what to say when I hear Kara's voice.

"You don't have to stay," she whispers.

"What?"

"I said that you don't have to..."

"I heard you the first time," I interrupt her, still not sure what the frak is going on in that crazy head of hers.

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I want to be. You are my friend, Kara, and nothing is going to change that."

"How can you say that after...?" she trails off, looking away, but I know her well enough to know what she is thinking, not that that is likely to do me much good here.

"Because none of it was your fault, damn it!"

"Are you frakking kidding me? I mean what part of 'I did what he wanted me to' didn't you understand?"

"The part where you seem to think that you actually had a choice! You were his prisoner, Kara, your life was in his hands and as far as I'm concerned you did whatever you had to do to survive. That is the only thing I care about!" I growl, wishing that I could just make her understand but knowing that this is not going to be anywhere near that simple.

"That's a lie!"

"No, it's not."

"So, if instead of just wanting to frak me and turn me into a gods damned cylon incubator, Leoben had questioned me for information on the resistance I should just have told him what he wanted to know because, as far as you are concerned, my survival was the only thing that mattered? Is that what they taught you in War College?"

"No, but... there were no other lives at stake, Kara. That is the difference."

"Yeah, right," she snorts.

"So what else do you think you should have done? I mean, you must have some sort of idea," I push, knowing that I'm playing a dangerous game here but not really seeing any other choice.

"I don't know, I should have fought him harder!"

"And do you honestly think that that would have changed anything? He was a cylon, damn it. There wasn't a frakking thing you could have done and we both know it. He was stronger than you and even if you had killed him a thousand times he would still have kept coming back."

"Believe me, I know that much. Hell, I killed the bastard over and over and it didn't change a frakking thing but that's not the frakking point."

"Then what is the frakking point? That you should have pushed him into killing you?" I push.

"Maybe."

"That's crazy!"

"Why?"

"Because... you wish he would have done it, don't you?" I ask as the pieces finally fall into place.

"What I wanted didn't really matter, believe me I learned that particular lesson early on."

"And do you still feel that way?"

"What?"

"Do you still think that what you want doesn't matter?"

"I don't know... I just..."

"You just what?"

"It's nothing."

"No, it's not nothing. What is it?"

"You don't understand."

"Then make me, gods damn it!" I growl, utterly fed up with this whole situation.

"I can't!"

"Yes, you can. What is it that you think I don't understand?"

"I..."

"You what?"

"I didn't fight him! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Somehow I don't think it's anywhere near that simple," I say, knowing that I have to tread carefully here, that I have to keep Kara talking without letting her goad me into a fight in the process. Of course, seeing how she knows exactly which buttons to push, that is probably going to be easier said than done.

"Why? Because you don't want it to be? Because it doesn't fit in with your neat little picture of the way things should have been?" she taunts me.

"No, because I know you," I reply, refusing to play along.

"Then maybe you don't!"

"Don't give me that crap!"

"It's the truth, damn it! No matter how you twist it the fact is that I just lay there and let the bastard do whatever he wanted to me! I didn't have to sleep with him, he didn't make me, but I did it anyway and I did it willingly. Hell, eventually I got so used to it all that I would barely wake up, spread my legs for him when he started fondling me and then --as soon as he was done-- I would just turn around and go back to sleep without giving it a second thought!"

"And would thinking about it have changed anything?" I find myself asking.

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me."

"Yes, but..."

"Then answer the frakking question. Would thinking about it have changed anything?" I insist.

"No, but..."

"And trying to fight him? Do you honestly think you would have been able to stop him if you'd tried?"

"No, but..."

"So killing him didn't help, thinking about it didn't help and the same goes for trying to fight him. So, what else do you think you could have done, Kara?"

"I don't know, damn it! I should have fought harder!"

"Wrong answer. We have already established that trying to fight him wouldn't have done you any real good, that you didn't have a say in anything that was done to you in those four months. The only thing your continued defiance could possibly have hoped to accomplish would have been to make matters even worse for you and you know it, so what do you think you could have done that would actually have made a difference as far as Leoben was concerned? What could you have done that would have led to a different outcome?"

"I don't know, damn it! Like you said, maybe I should have made him kill me!"

"He wouldn't have done it and you know it. He needed you alive so killing you wasn't an option, not really," I say, not even wanting to think about it.

"Then maybe I should have saved him the frakking trouble and done it myself, gods damn it!"

"Don't say that, don't you ever say that!" I growl, grabbing her by the shoulders as I literally try to shake some sense into her.

"Why not? It's the frakking truth! I kept killing him, even though I knew he would just come back, but maybe if I had turned the frakking knife on myself then I could have put an end to it once and for all!" she yells.

"And why didn't you?" I ask, letting her go as I suddenly realize what it is that I'm actually doing. So much for not letting her goad me into a fight.

"I don't know... maybe because, as stupid as it sounds, I wanted to live..."

"And now?"

"Now what?"

"Do you still feel that way? Do you still want to live?" I ask, needing to know but terrified of what her answer to that question might be.

"The truth?"

"Yes."

"I don't know... I don't want to give up, I don't want to let the bastard win but I... I'm tired, Lee, really tired," she whispers.

"It's over now. You can rest, you don't have to keep on fighting, not any more."

"You are wrong. It's not over... it's never going to be."

"Not if you don't let it," I agree.

"'Let it'?"

"Yes. What you went through was... I don't even know how to say it but you can't go on like this. You have to let it go, Kara."

"It's not so frakking simple, Lee! I can't..."

"Yes, you can, damn it! What would you say if instead of fixating on you Leoben had fixated on, I don't know, Cally? Would you think any of it had been her fault?" I ask, deciding to try a different approach.

"No, but..."

"So you wouldn't blame Cally, fair enough... how about Dee or Kat then, I mean Kat is a pilot, just like you, so would you have blamed her?"

"She wasn't there, she was here," she points out, deliberately sidestepping the issue.

"Assume that she was," I say, rolling my eyes at her.

"No, I wouldn't have."

"So it would have been okay for Kat to do what you did but not for the almighty Starbuck, is that it?" I ask.

"What are you getting at, Adama?"

"How about the fact that you did the only thing you could have done in order to survive, to keep yourself going and no-one is likely to hold that against you?"

"Yeah, right," she snorts.

"Okay, so maybe I was wrong about that."

"You think?"

"Yes. Now that I think about it I can see that there is one person who is definitely holding what you did against you."

"Just one?"

"Yes: you."

"You are frakking crazy!"

"No, he is right," comes my dad's voice and I wonder just how long has he been standing there, listening in on our little chat.