Chapter 17
(Lee's POV)

After days of worrying and seeing Kara so frakking motionless I would have sworn that pretty much anything would have been an improvement... and I would have been wrong about that.

Oh, I'm definitely glad to see that she is awake, that she is actually aware of my presence here. That is certainly a relief but at the same time I have to say that this whole situation feels incredibly awkward. Kara is my best friend for frak's sake --or at least she used to be-- but I don't have a clue of what I am supposed to say to her... not now that I am aware of what that frakking toaster did to her.

That is something I'm still having a very hard time trying to come to terms with. Sure, the rational part of my brain knows that we should probably have considered the possibility of something like that from the moment she came back but at the same time... at the same time she is supposed to be Starbuck and this shouldn't have happened to her, gods-damn it!

Of course, on top of that there is also the role I had to play in this whole fiasco, can't forget about that. Hell, if I were to start counting all the ways in which we have frakked up since New Caprica... and then there is Dee.

Oh, she hasn't really said anything about it --she is not stupid and she certainly knows better than to push the issue, at least for the time being-- but that doesn't mean she hasn't let me know in no uncertain terms that she is not happy about how much time I am spending here, the thing is that I don't particularly care. Sure, I understand where she is coming from, after all she is my wife and I do realize how hard this must be for her, but at the same time... at the same time as far as I am concerned Kara needs me and, as long as that is the case, she comes first. That is precisely the problem.

The problem is that Dee isn't the problem. The problem is that she is nothing but a footnote in all of this, that if I had to choose between her and Kara there is no doubt in my mind as to what my choice would be. Sure, these are anything but ordinary circumstances and I know it. Dee may be somewhat annoyed by the fact that I've basically moved into sickbay --or I would have if only Cottle would allow it-- but Kara's life is literally on the line here and that means she gets to take priority... though at the same time I know it goes a lot deeper than that.

The truth is that if I were to make a list of the people I care the most about Kara and my dad would be at the top... and Dee would be --at best-- a very distant third. That is not the way it is supposed to be and I know it. I know she is my wife and I know she deserves better than that, but at the same time that is the way it is and I really can't help it.

I may be married to Dee but my bond with Kara runs deeper than that, it always has and--no matter how hard I've tried to fight it-- the truth is that that bond has only been strengthened since the worlds ended. Kara may not be my wife but she is my wingman, my partner, my equal and I can't afford to lose her, not after everything we've been through. That is what makes this whole situation so tricky.

I mean, I know I have to tread carefully here, I would have known that even if dad hadn't told me... what he told me, but knowing that certainly hasn't helped matters. Hell, even after all this time I still can't even think about it without feeling almost literally sick but at the same time I am almost painfully aware of the fact that that's not going to help matters here, nowhere near it. I may have this overwhelming need to wrap Kara in cotton and keep her safe but the thing is that, in spite of everything, she is still Starbuck and I know enough to know that trying to 'keep her safe' is not likely to do me much good.

"So... um... how are you?" I finally ask, feeling more than a little stupid at that.

"How do you think?" she retorts, rolling her eyes at me, though I can see that, even though she is trying hard to keep her tone light, her heart really isn't in it... not that that is particularly surprising.

"That great, uh?"

"Yeah," she whispers.

"So..."

"So," she replies and I realize that I am actually going to have to say something here, that our halfhearted banter is not going to get us anywhere, not this time around... that whether we like it or not we are actually going to have to talk.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out.

"Whatever for?" she asks with some suspicion.

"For what happened before, for what I said back in the hangar-deck... I..." I trail off.

"Not you too," she mutters, sounding more than a little pissed.

"What?" I ask, taken somewhat aback by the sudden change in her demeanor.

"You know... they frakking told you," she accuses, glaring at me with everything she's got, and even though she doesn't say what 'it' is that she thinks 'they' told me, the truth is that she doesn't have to.

"I..." I begin.

"Don't even bother," she interrupts me before turning away.

"Kara, don't do that, please," I plead, even though I am not really sure what the frak it is that I am supposed to be saying here, all I know is that there's no way in hell I can't leave it like this. Oh, I knew all along that this was a possibility --after all, Cottle did fill me in on what had happened with both my dad and Sam before I came in here-- but I had honestly hoped it wouldn't come to this.

"I don't want your frakking pity, Adama," she growls.

"And you don't have it. I'm just worried about..."

"Bullshit," she all but yells at me and, as weird as it sounds, I find her anger to be oddly reassuring. Oh, I'm not kidding myself here. I know this is a mess and I know we have a very long way to go before things are back to anything remotely resembling normal between us but if nothing else at least her anger is familiar, it is something I have encountered countless times before and it is something I certainly know how to deal with... or I would if I weren't so frakking worried about the possibility of making an even bigger mess out of this one.

The problem is that while on the one hand I know her well enough to know that coddling her is unlikely to do me much good, on the other I also know I don't have the facts to even begin to think about confronting her, not yet.