Chapter 16
(Kara's POV)

I am beyond exhausted and, to make matters worse, none of this makes any sense at all. Those are the two thoughts that keep running through my mind as the old man tries to convince me that I didn't deserve what he said to me back in that rec room, even though we both know I did... though now that I think about it, maybe he really doesn't know.

Oh, I know he knows something, that much is obvious, but the question is how much. The truth is that I'm not sure about that but the way I see it, if what he has is only a general idea --if he suspects what was done to me but has no clue of the role I played in the whole thing-- then maybe this particular scene would actually make some sense... not much, but some.

The problem is that if that is the case then sooner or later I am going to have to tell him the truth and I know that the longer I wait, the harder this is going to get. In fact the reasonable part of my mind knows that I should probably tell him now and get this over with once and for all but I can't bring myself to do it, not yet.

As stupid and as cowardly as it sounds, there is a part of me that still wants to be able to pretend that he cares, that he doesn't hate me, there is a part of me that still wants to cling to whatever comfort it can find in the old man's presence and pretend that things can go back to the way they used to be... even though deep down I know there's no way that's ever going to happen and that when that support is finally taken from me, as I know it will be, it's going to hurt twice as much.

Oh, I'm not kidding myself in that regard. I know what I did and I know there's no way in hell the old man is going to forgive me for that one, not ever. I know that in the end I did give in, that in the end I did everything Leoben wanted me to and then some and I didn't do it because I didn't have a choice, I didn't even do it because I feared for my life. I did it simply because submitting was easier, because fighting was just too hard and I didn't see the point... I did it because I gave up hope, because I was too damned weak and because the more I struggled the more it hurt.

Hell, for the most part after the first couple of days I didn't even pretend to put up a fight. Sure, up until the last minute whenever I saw an opening to 'kill' Leoben's latest body I took it --not that it did me much good, hell, the bastard basically saw that as a form of foreplay-- but other than that... other than that I just let him do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

The question is what am I supposed to do about this whole mess now... especially because the old man is still waiting for some sort of answer, the problem is that I don't have a clue as to what the frak it is that I am supposed to be saying here. I can't lie to him --he deserves better than that and I know it-- but at the same time I can't bring myself to tell him the truth either... I can't tell him that, in the end, I was Leoben's willing whore.

"Please," I find myself pleading almost without realizing it, even though I'm not entirely sure I know what it is that I am actually pleading for. In fact the only thing I know for sure is that I can't do this.

"What is it, Kara? Whatever it is don't shut me out here," he all but begs, catching me totally off-guard with his concern.

"I can't, it's too much, I just..." I trail off, trying --and failing-- to keep myself from crying... another frakking reminder of just how pathetically weak I really am.

"It's okay, it's going to be fine," he says, reaching for my hand.

"No, it's not," I whisper almost to myself, but he hears me anyway.

"What do you mean?" he asks rather hesitatingly, looking almost as if he were afraid of what my answer might be.

"It's nothing," I say, trying to reassure him, though I can see by the look in his eyes that it's not working.

"Don't lie to me, Kara."

"You don't understand... I..."

"You what?" he prods but I just shake my head at that, still not knowing what to say or how to explain.

"You can't talk about it?" he asks gently.

"No," I whisper, even though I know that that's not entirely true. It's not so much that I can't talk about it, it's more that I don't want to --that I really don't want to-- but if he is willing to cut me some slack and give me a way out of this one, at least for the time being, I sure as hell am not going to complain.

"Then you don't have to... just rest now but I want you to promise me something: I want you to promise me that if it ever gets to be too much for you again you will come to me first, that you won't try something like this ever again," he says as he wipes my tears away.

"I promise," I reply even as I vow to myself that, if it comes to that, the next time I won't try...