Chapter 13
(Kara's POV)

The first thing I notice, even before I open my eyes, is the rather uncomfortable dryness in my nose but in spite of that I still have to look around to figure out where I am and to try to piece together how I got to be here in the first place. After a few seconds, however, the events of the past few --hours, days? I don't know-- start falling into place... or at least as close to their place as they are likely to get for the time being. The next thing I notice is that the old man is gone and that he has been replaced by my husband, who --come to think of it-- pretty much looks like hell.

"Sam," I whisper, drawing his attention to me.

"Kara? Hey, you are awake! Gods, it's so good to see you!" he exclaims, looking incredibly relieved and reaching for my hand.

"How long have I been here?" I ask, desperately needing to fill in some blanks.

"Four, almost five days."

"Frak!" I mutter, trying to wrap my mind around that concept. I had a feeling it had been a while, of course, but that's still a lot longer than I had been expecting.

"Don't ever scare me like that again!" he growls, even though he is still smiling at me.

"Sorry," I mumble.

"I was so worried. Do you need anything? What can I get you?" he babbles, rather nervously, not taking his eyes off of me and still not letting go of my hand. In fact he is shifting from his chair to the edge of my bed in order to get closer to me.

"No, I'm fine," I say, feeling more than a little uncomfortable under his scrutiny.

"Are you sure?," he asks, placing a soft kiss on my forehead and that's when things threaten to spin out of control. For a moment there I feel almost as if I were back on New Caprica, in that gods-forsaken cell, and I don't know what to do, especially because I am stuck in this bed and I can't get away. I try to remind myself that this is Sam, my husband. I try to tell myself that I love him, that I trust him and that he would never hurt me. I try to tell myself that he is not Leoben but, even though the rational part of my mind knows that, I can't help feeling trapped... especially when he moves from my forehead to my lips.

"No! Stop!" I manage to say but he's not listening. I try to push him away but I am too weak and he overpowers me without even acknowledging my struggle... just like Leoben used to do. I am trapped here and there's not a frakking thing I can do about it. That is why I am so incredibly relieved when he is interrupted by Cottle's gruff voice.

"What the frak do you think you are doing?" he growls.

"She is awake," says Sam, beaming at the doctor.

"I can see that but right now I want you the frak out of here."

"Why?"

"Because I say so."

"But I..."

"Out!" he insists, pointing at the curtain.

I watch Sam leave as I struggle to get my breathing under control but it's not working and the pain is getting progressively worse. That's when the panic really sets in.

"It's okay, Starbuck. He is gone now and he is not coming back, not unless you want him to," Cottle reassures me as he approaches the bed and I just nod at that.

"Just breathe with me, come on, Starbuck, you can do this, nice and easy. Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out... in... out... that's it. Better?"

"Yeah," I whisper after what feels like ages, closing my eyes for a moment and feeling absolutely exhausted.

"So how are you feeling?"

"Like someone tried to gut me," I say, still more than a little shaken but knowing better than to try to bullshit the doc, especially because the truth is that that hurt... a lot.

"Well, that's because 'someone' did," he reminds me. "You gave us quite a scare, young lady."

"Sorry," I reply, knowing that when Cottle calls me 'young lady' it's bad.

"Do you want me to get the old man for you?" he asks gently and even though my first reaction at that is to say 'yes', all of a sudden I find myself hesitating as I remember my last encounter with him... no, it was not my last encounter with him. He was here when I woke up before. Sure, I'm still more than a little fuzzy on the details but I remember that much. I remember him sitting with me, holding my hand, and I remember feeling safe but that doesn't make sense... not after he...

I shake my head at that, trying to clear it, especially because Cottle is still waiting for an answer. The problem is that I don't know what to tell him. Do I want the old man here? Yes, I want him here with me --more than anything-- but at the same time I don't want to be reminded of how much he doesn't want me here... of how much of a disappointment I am to him... of how badly I screwed up and how much he hates me... especially because I know he has every reason to do so.

"He is probably busy," I finally say, wanting to avoid the whole issue and knowing that to be true.

"Why don't we let him decide then? I'll just let him know that you are awake," he replies, looking at me and something about this whole thing just feels off somehow, the problem is that I can't quite put my finger on the how.

"Okay," I reluctantly agree, knowing better than to try to fight Cottle on this one.

After he leaves I close my eyes trying to gather my thoughts. This is the first real chance I've had to try to do that since I woke up and even though I still feel like I am trying to think through sludge... well, at least I can actually think. That's progress!

The thing is that I can't believe it's been more than four days since I...

That means it was bad, not to mention that Cottle was actually being gentle with me. That's another red flag right there... hell, up until a few minutes ago I didn't even know Cottle could do gentle! And then there is Sam, both because of his actions and my reactions. That is the part I really don't want to dwell on.

Sure, now that he is gone I can see that I had no reason to freak out like I did but the problem is that it is nowhere near that simple. Now that he is gone I can see his relief for what it was but at the same time I... I was scared and I couldn't help it. That is the truth and somehow I don't think that is a good thing. He is my husband for frak's sake and he wasn't going to hurt me, even the rational part of my mind knew that!

In fact that's yet another thing that doesn't make sense here. Given that Sam is my husband and if he clearly wasn't a threat and if it was apparent that he wasn't going to hurt me, why the frak did Cottle kick him out of here in the first place? Sure, I was scared and I wanted him to stop --desperately-- but the doc couldn't possibly have known that and yet when he walked in on us he was fuming and he didn't hesitate to order him out of here. Why?

I don't know, not really, but my gut tells me that I'm not going to like the answer to that one, not one bit.

It could be something as simple as the fact that he wanted me to get some rest, of course, but somehow that just doesn't add up, not really. If that had been the case he might have told Sam to stop but he wouldn't have gone so far as to kick him out, not before he even got a look at me... and with Sam literally on top of me there was no way he could have done that. So we have one puzzle there and another one in how he helped me calm down.

Sure, at first glance that doesn't sound like that big a deal, but the thing is that he wasn't surprised by my reaction, he never tried to ask me what was wrong or what was going on... in fact it was almost as if he had been expecting it all along and the bottom line is that Cottle may be good but he is not that good.

That is somewhat disturbing, especially because a picture is starting to emerge, one I definitely don't like. The way I see it, the only way he could have known how I was going to react was if he had already been expecting that reaction in the first place, if he knew what was causing it to begin with... and that would also explain why he didn't hesitate to kick Sam out of here.

That is not a pleasant thought --far from it-- but, to make matters worse, there is also the fact that the first thing Cottle did as soon as I calmed down was to volunteer to get the old man here for me... and my gut tells me that that means that, if the doc knows, then chances are he is not the only one.