An Alien Path
I walk down the street and wonder what's going to happen next, I wonder where I'm going... if I'm going anywhere. The problem is that right now I don't even know why I'm here. Am I here because I want to be, am I here because I'm needed... am I here because this is where I belong or am I here simply because it's easy, because it's routine... because I'm too scared to leave? Up until a couple of weeks ago I never even bothered to ask myself that question, not really, now I can't escape it.
A couple of weeks ago I was putting the finishing touches to my dissertation, a dissertation that --if I'm to be perfectly honest with myself-- was my big excuse. Up until a couple of weeks ago I had an official reason to be here, regardless of the fact that that dissertation could have been completed a long time ago. In fact in a way it was only because of Chancellor Edward's ultimatum in the aftermath of the Ventriss fiasco that I finally sat down to write it at all, if it hadn't been for that who knows how much longer I would have kept putting it off.
The thing is that now that there's no longer a dissertation to justify my presence here I've been provided with the perfect excuse not to move on: an offer of a badge, the question is, is that what I want to do with the rest of my life?
That's a trick question. Do I want to be a detective? The truth is that up until a couple of weeks ago that was something I had never even contemplated, not really. Do I want to keep on studying sentinels? The answer to that question is a lot easier, it is a resounding yes --even if getting my Ph.D. is no longer an option-- and I guess that's what this whole mess really boils down to.
I want to keep working with sentinels, that's always been my passion and --seeing how sentinels aren't exactly a dime a dozen-- if I want to do that I guess I'm going to have to keep working with Jim... and to keep working with Jim I have no choice but to become his partner, to become a detective. So, in other words, in the end I guess for me becoming a detective is not about becoming a detective at all, it is about something else, it's about continuing to be an anthropologist... even if my business cards say something entirely different.
I've burned my bridges and I did it without knowing what was ahead. I did it to protect my sentinel and I don't regret my decision but now I have no choice but to continue on the path I unwittingly chose for myself when I gave that press conference, when I labeled myself a fraud... the only problem is that I'm still not sure that path is now or could ever really become my path.